Last day of the “buy 2 get 1 free” deal at Sephora. I only saw it online today. Yum. I start searching the site carefully, thinking about what I might get. Plus, it’s a friend’s birthday this week, so maybe I should get a gift too.
I was twisting myself all day — go out? Don’t go out? I was panicked, nearly fainting, all mixed up.
I finally decided to leave when I realized I needed a hair tie. One exactly like the one I’d lost, the one I’d been searching for forever… in a car I probably wouldn’t ride again.
So: hair tie, Sephora, gift. And I go.
On the way, I feel myself sweating in the seat. No, I hadn’t seen any super hot single guys. Panic.
Why am I going to the mall? Why am I going alone? Why is the mall so crowded?
Because in a crowded mall, no one notices you if you spread out? And if you spread out, do you end up without your bag too? Panic.
As I reach the parking lot, I think, if I don’t find a spot close to the entrance, I’ll turn back.
I don’t find one ( :)))) ), and I don’t turn back anyway. Look, find a spot, far away. Get out. Press the remote.
Go in? Don’t go in?
Yes, damn it, I’m going in.
First stop: pharmacy. Right as I’m about to ask for what I need, the person in front of me suddenly has a question — like at school — that holds up the line for another five minutes.
I feel myself melting. Thoughts flood my head.
If I die here?
I hope Vera gets all my little things — big, small, valuable, or not.
I want B. to pick a few things too, to remember me.
But I didn’t make a will!
Who even knows exactly what I want?
Oh no… this isn’t right.
“How can I help you?”
Hah. Why did I even come here?
Buy, pay.
Then I head toward the store with all the items and hair ties. I can’t handle it anymore, so I call my friend. She doesn’t answer.
She calls back when I’m already in the store.
And we talk and talk while I search for scissors, nail files, hair ties, try lipsticks, wander between two floors, among people who haven’t learned that on escalators you stand to the side to let someone in a rush—or someone panicked—pass.
Sephora? Kinda fail.
The shades were terrible, nothing lasted.
I wanted something for me, something for the birthday girl. Nope.
So I grab: bamboo sticks, eyebrow brush, shower puff… and head to the register.
“Do you have a loyalty card?”
No.
“Want us to make one?”
Depends how long it takes.
“Just a moment.”
Okay, then I’ll take it.
Another three minutes on the phone, mentally writing my will, she asks for my phone number, I start dictating my dad’s, and my friend tries to calm me down on the line.
Gift? Not today. Another day.
Walking to the parking lot, I finally start to breathe.
I tell my friend I’m at the car and that I’m okay.
I start digging through my bags to see what I got.
Check online banking to make sure I wasn’t scammed since I hadn’t checked the total when I typed my PIN.
Okay, I’m fine! I’m fine, wtf!
Turn on music. Seat starts drying.
Light a Kentswitchlung.
Drive, and I marvel that I made it.
Actually, I marvel that I’m marveling at normality.
The car hums. Asphalt embraces me. I breathe better already.
All the traffic lights turn green, like in the movies.
If you ever thought anxiety is simple… (pause here, I laugh for about ten minutes).
If you thought anxiety is complicated… well, today it made me feel utterly broken with a new hair tie — no past, but a promising future — and it showed me that even when I can’t control anything, I do control everything that belongs to me.