So, I (27F) have a friend from college, let’s call her Kelly (25F). We’ve been close for years, not best friends, but the kind of friend where we’d always show up for birthdays, check in during big life moments, and keep up with each other’s relationships.
A couple of years ago she started dating the man who’s now her husband. When they first got serious, she gave me the “backstory” about him and casually mentioned that his ex used to be a cam girl. That was all fine, I didn’t really care, until she added something like, “but he was never on camera himself, it was just her.”
For some reason that little detail stuck with me. I don’t know why, but something felt off. Maybe I was being nosy, maybe protective. Either way, I ended up doing a reverse image search on his profile photos (yes, I know, already a bit much). And… I actually found videos. Not just of his ex, but of him with her. Both very much on cam, both naked.
I felt weird holding onto that knowledge, so I thought I was doing the “right thing” as a friend by telling her. I showed her what I found. Her response was basically: “Yeah, I know. He told me about it when we got serious.”
So at that point, I just dropped it. They stayed together, fast-forwarded their relationship, and this summer they got married. I was invited. But honestly, I felt… awkward? Maybe judged for having snooped in the first place. Maybe unsettled because I still couldn’t unsee those videos. Maybe because I worried I’d blurt something dumb after a few drinks.
So I politely declined the wedding invite. I said I had prior plans, even though the truth was just that I didn’t feel comfortable.
Now I keep going back and forth. On the one hand, it’s her life, her relationship, and clearly she’s fine with it. On the other, I wonder if I was a bad friend for not putting my feelings aside to support her on her big day.
So AITA for skipping her wedding? Should I have just let the whole thing go from the very beginning?
Probably NTA. You set your own boundaries, and skipping a wedding isn’t a moral crime. But you’ll need to accept that your discomfort was your issue, not hers — and if you want to keep the friendship, honesty (at least partial honesty, like “I wasn’t comfortable” instead of “I had plans”) might help long-term.
This is one of those situations where no one is really wrong. You crossed a boundary with the reverse image search, but your intentions were protective. She knew and was fine with it. You skipped the wedding to avoid awkwardness instead of making a scene. That’s not mean, it’s just human.
You didn’t cause any drama, you didn’t announce the videos at the wedding, you just quietly decided not to go. That’s not being an asshole, that’s protecting your own boundaries. It’s her marriage, and clearly she already knew, so you not showing up doesn’t harm anyone.
ESH: You for snooping and not being honest about why you didn’t go. Her a little for dropping that random ‘but he was never on camera’ detail that made you suspicious in the first place. Honestly, neither of you handled this like adults.
YTA (soft): I think declining the invite under false pretenses makes you kind of the AH. You snooped, you told her (which she already knew), and then you avoided the wedding because you felt weird about something that wasn’t even your problem. She still valued you enough to invite you.