My wife (56F) and I (63M) have 3 kids in high school and college still living at home. A couple of years ago I developed type 2 diabetes, so in an effort to eat better and save money, I started doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking for the family, and in return my wife does the dishes. I do a lot of stuff from scratch. It’s a lot of work. Everyone says I’m a good cook, and they tell me they like my food. My kids are all picky about food in different ways, so I struggle to come up with dishes everyone likes.
Cooking can be a highly stressful and identity-linked activity, especially when health concerns are involved. Feeling unappreciated can trigger resentment and feelings of invisibility.
Last week my wife says she and my son want to take us out to dinner for a special treat. The place is a secret. Sounds like fun. Last night is the big night. She drives us to a local food truck that does lobster rolls. We’ve been there before – great place. But for the last month, to help my worsening diabetes, I’ve tried to cut starches out of my diet – just for myself, not for anyone else. My wife knows this. The food truck is 90% sandwiches on big bread rolls. Okay, so I have the soup, everyone else gets a lobster roll, and she orders tater tots for the table on top of it all.
When we sit down she finally lets us in on the reason we’re here. When my son was learning to drive several months back, she would take him out driving after work, before dinner. Turns out they would learn where the food truck was that night, drive there, eat a lobster roll (which cost, like, $20 each) and then come home and pick at the dinner that I had cooked. They did this multiple times. My wife thought that I would be amused. I was not.
Secretive behaviors, even with good intentions, can undermine trust. The husband likely feels a loss of agency and recognition, creating resentment and frustration.
I told her she should have told me they were eating out so I didn’t have to cook for them. She says I was cooking for everyone else, so what’s the difference. I remind her that I struggle with making meals everyone likes, and I could have made different things, or even taken the other kids out myself on those nights. She didn’t say anything after that, and now she’s avoiding me because she knows I’m upset. She hasn’t apologized.
The thing is, she never offers to cook, she doesn’t help with meal planning, she never helps with the groceries, she will often come home late from work without telling me she’ll be late, and in general she doesn’t seem to care at all about how hard I work to feed everyone, or about how I need to control my diet. I’ve let her know how I feel many times and it hasn’t made a bit of difference. Honestly, this lobster roll thing felt like the last straw. I’m ready to give up on cooking for the family and start cooking just for myself. Am I overreacting?
This story highlights how small “fun” actions can have a cumulative impact on family dynamics. Even well-intentioned behaviors may erode trust and create resentment if one partner feels consistently unrecognized. Clear communication, shared responsibility, and empathy are key to maintaining harmony.
This is what community had to say:
rainybitcoin wrote — “A couple of years ago I developed type 2 diabetes, so in an effort to eat better and save money, I started doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking for the family, and in return my wife does the dishes.”
INFO: who cooked or how was dinner procured for the family before 2023?
gbwilliams369 responded — For most of the marriage, I have done most of the cooking, but it was usually lower effort cooking. A lot of pasta, preprepared frozen stuff, etc. Several years ago when the kids were younger, she dropped to part time, nominally so that she could do more around the house, and she took over most of the cooking. Mostly still low-effort stuff. She went back to full time shortly before I took over all the cooking. I have worked full time our entire marriage.
rainybitcoin wrote — Gotcha. Thanks for the added context.
What I’m going to type here has probably been said by others already but just to close this loop:
– the drivers permit side quest by itself sounds so nice, but you’re right that she could have at least texted you they were going to do it so you could do something different for dinner by yourself or with the other kids. Maybe she had reasons for not communicating to you at the time but it’s all speculation…she needs to use her words.
– I completely empathize with you about trying to cook for a crowd with a lot of restrictions (which, for me anyway, get to the point of practically infuriating when it’s someone being picky). When I visit my family in my home state (brother and SIL, their two young kids + my mom who lives separately) I have to contend with one person who hates anything remotely spicy, someone who is so picky I can’t even track what is and is not acceptable anymore, and my mom needing low fat foods for no gallbladder. On top of all that, I also try to cook things that they could make themselves (none of these people cook much and I have meal prepped and cooked large meals for them) and if I have to cook at my brother’s place they’re lacking a lot of cooking essentials or any proper knives. It drives me absolutely insane. So when I do the mental labor to make a meal that meets everyone’s requirements it feels straight up bad when people don’t eat it.
I really empathize with your situation, but would encourage you to take some breaths and write down your thoughts, and have a discussion with your wife. At that time or at a separate time, you two can discuss potential solutions. For example, the family could do meal prep together for a week of meals. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You sound like a great dad. My dad would be around your age by now and I miss him so fucking much every day, so I encourage you to try to find a solution that eases your mental load around mealtime but still involves sharing meals with your kids.
Foolish-Pleasure99 respons to rainybitcoin — This answer is way too mature and well reasoned. My perty self thought “stop cooking for or taking the wife’s food preferences into account”.
I feel like their sneaking around behind your back to feed themselves and avoid having to suffer through “dad’s meals” was quite underhanded.
This makes me think “Oh yeah? Why don’t you keep getting your meals in your own and I’ll cook for myself and the rest of the kids”.
Glad to see rainybitcoin took this more seriously.
Bubbly-Stranger8137 response to Foolish-Pleasure99 — Hey I thought the same as a mom who cooks for everyone in the house, I get this! There is one person in the home who doesn’t like anything, a child who is discovering what they like and don’t like and another who does exactly as OP’s wife! She comes home with Olive Garden, red lobster, Burger King, McDonalds etc EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It pisses me off! Like why am I cooking for you when u get food out everyday and do NOTHING to help around the house for dinner or otherwise?! I’d cook for those who are appreciative and the rest can find their own way. (As they already seem to do)
Sharp_Magician_6628 wrote — She understands why you’re upset. She doesn’t care Also, when it comes to cooking your kids are old enough to fend for themselves. Especially if they’re going to be picky. Make what you want and let them know “I will be making X would you like it as well?” And if you get a “no” then you tell them “ok then you need to make your own dinner. This isn’t a restaurant” And stop cooking for your wife for a while. She’s being shitty, she doesn’t get the privilege of eating food you cooked for a while
Worldly-Knee-2696 respons to Sharp_Magician_6628 — THIS! Follow this advice!
verliese respons to Sharp_Magician_6628 — This is exactly how I was raised. My parents did make sure not to cook anything I really hated, but I was raised with the idea that I could either eat what they served me, or fend for myself. I feel like OP’s wife and kids have been spoiled too much, and are taking OP’s work for granted.
DameLaChisme — Tell them you are no longer a short order cook. You can meal plan and make meals that suit you, and if they want to eat with you they need to let you know so you make enough food. Aside from that, you and your wife can stock the basics and you can offer to teach your grown children how to cook and make meals. They are old enough. That wasn’t cool of your wife. I’d say at this point do your own thing. Since everyone is still in the home you can offer a family style Sunday dinner for everyone but outside of that, they can cook and clean for themselves. Stick to your guns, you’re going to shake their world leaving them to fend for themselves! They will appreciate you so much more. And, no money for fast food! They can eat at home or get jobs.
UptownLurker — Right, OP everybody in your house is old enough to fend for themselves based on what’s available. Cook for you primarily, have enough for everybody, or they can figure out an alternative. Your wife sounds resentful of your diagnosis because it means a change in lifestyle, and I can’t imagine why she thought the lobster roll thing would do anything but make you feel bad/embarrassed. Let her sulk, because I think she actually wanted you to sulk.
Source: Reddit
YTA (devil’s advocate) – Hear me out: maybe your wife and son just didn’t like your food and didn’t know how to tell you. Was sneaking out the best way to handle it? No. But maybe your meals are more “dad diet plate” than “family dinner.” If they’re still eating what you cook most nights, I’d call it a guilty pleasure, not a betrayal.
NTA – If it were me, I’d announce: “Tonight’s menu is called ‘Fend For Yourselves Surprise.’ Ingredients include: whatever’s in the fridge. Bon appétit.” See how long it takes for them to appreciate your cooking again.
NTA – Your wife isn’t just eating lobster rolls, she’s eating away at your trust. You’re not a short-order cook, you’re a partner, and she treated you like background noise. Tell her if she wants $20 sandwiches, she can pay for them and stop wasting the food you cook.
Also, the financial aspect of eating out $20 meals repeatedly while he’s making thoughtful meals at home is another form of disrespect.
ESH (with sarcasm) – So she thinks hiding lobster rolls from her diabetic husband is quirky fun. Meanwhile, you’re bending over backwards trying to be Gordon Ramsay for three picky eaters. Look, you’re both exhausting. She needs to apologize, and you need to stop cooking like you’re auditioning for Top Chef: Thankless Family Edition.
NTA. It sounds like you’re carrying an unfair amount of the load at home, and your health and dietary needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
YTA. You are a grown man and your wife raised 3 kids, the 4th is not her responsibility. She spends quality time with the kids and you are overreacting.
NTA – Bro, you’re not overreacting. Cooking for picky people is like playing Dark Souls on expert mode, blindfolded. And instead of helping, your wife went behind your back to eat overpriced bread boats with your son. I’d stop cooking for anyone who doesn’t respect the effort.
Absolutely. Secretly taking your own husband out of the loop while undermining his efforts isn’t harmless—it’s dismissive.
Sarcastic (NTA) – Oh yes, how hilarious. Nothing says comedy like “haha, I’ve been secretly throwing away your hard work and spending money behind your back, LOL pass the tater tots.” Absolute knee-slapper. Next she’ll tell you she’s been “ironically” shredding your paychecks.
ESH – Yeah, your wife was wrong for sneaking around, but let’s be honest: you’re also playing martyr chef. If the kids are in high school/college, they can boil pasta or make eggs. You don’t need to kill yourself making scratch meals every night. She sucks for lying, you suck for not setting boundaries.