I (40F) have a brother who is older, and growing up, I often felt my parents favored him. He’s a boy and the firstborn, and it seemed like they consistently gave him more attention, support, and protection. When conflicts arose, or I felt hurt, my feelings were often dismissed. The reasoning was usually, “He’s older” or “He’s a boy.” If I cried or shouted, the response could be, “What did you do to provoke it?” I often felt responsible for how I was treated, which left me feeling undervalued.
I’m not saying my brother didn’t have challenges, but I felt overlooked and overlooked consistently. These experiences left lingering resentment that I carry to this day.
Recently, I considered bringing this up with my parents, hoping to understand why they treated us differently and to express how it made me feel. But even hinting at it leads to defensive reactions. They tell me things like, “Other people have it worse,” “You’re judging us,” or “Life was hard for us too.” This makes an open conversation nearly impossible. I start questioning myself: am I unreasonable for wanting acknowledgment, or unfair for revisiting the past?
Part of me thinks their defensiveness comes from not wanting to admit they failed me, or perhaps from genuinely not knowing a better way to handle things at the time. Still, that doesn’t change how it affected me. I want to process these feelings and maybe heal, but it feels impossible to do so directly with them.
I don’t want to blame them entirely. I understand they had pressures and limits, and life wasn’t easy. But the pattern of favoritism or dismissal was consistent enough that it left me emotionally affected. And now I’m stuck: I want to be heard and understood without making them feel guilty. I want to forgive, but I also want to understand so that I can release lingering resentment.
I wonder if my desire to talk is less about blaming them and more about reclaiming the voice I felt I didn’t have as a child. I want recognition of my experience to help me heal. So I ask: AITA for wanting to discuss this? Should I just accept that this was the best they could do and move on, or is it reasonable to hope for an honest conversation—even if they respond defensively?
I’m trying to balance understanding their perspective while acknowledging my own feelings. I don’t want to create conflict or guilt, but I also don’t want to carry resentment indefinitely. Right now, I feel stuck between wanting closure and fearing I might upset them or be perceived as unfair.
NTA – Wanting to talk about your childhood doesn’t make you an asshole, it makes you human. Your parents’ defensiveness is their problem, not proof that you’re wrong.
NAH – You want recognition, they want to pretend everything was fine. That’s not villainy, that’s just people being terrified of admitting they screwed up. Therapy might be a safer audience than family denial bingo.
YTA – Yeah, how dare you expect your parents to acknowledge your feelings? Didn’t you know children are supposed to be grateful for food and a roof while silently swallowing trauma?
NTA – Of course you want to reclaim your voice. That’s what adults do when they realize childhood scripts still run their lives. You’re not wrong for wanting it; you’re just unlucky that your parents are stuck in denial mode.
ESH – You for expecting your parents to suddenly evolve into emotionally literate adults at 60. Them for gaslighting you with “others had it worse.” Honestly, the whole family dynamic sounds like a bad Netflix drama.
NAH – Everyone’s acting out their roles: you, the overlooked child seeking justice; them, the guilty parents rewriting history. No assholes, just a family locked in reruns.
NTA – Healing doesn’t require their permission. If they won’t give you validation, get it elsewhere and stop waiting for an apology that may never come. Parents aren’t emotional vending machines.
ESH – You’re replaying old wounds, they’re running from accountability. Everyone’s miserable, nobody wins. Maybe the real asshole is generational trauma.
YTA – Sure, because dragging decades-old grievances into a living room is always a recipe for productive dialogue. Nothing says “closure” like starting WW3 over dinner.
NTA – Your feelings are valid. Their refusal to listen doesn’t erase your reality. You’re not the asshole for wanting to talk — you’d be the asshole only if you forced it on them over and over after they clearly shut down.