AITA for not giving the stray cat I found back to his original owner
So a feral cat colony lives in my neighborhood, and I often trap them to be spayed/neutered. In December 2024 I trapped an adult tuxedo cat. I was planning on neutering and releasing him but he was so loving. I brought him inside for a flea bath and he would not stop hugging me. Like literally putting both arms around my neck. After taking him to the vet I saw he wasn’t neutered or microchipped and had tapeworms. I assumed he was a friendly stray who lived in the colony and kept him.
His affection combined with his poor condition likely activated a strong rescuer instinct. Psychologists call this the “rescuer complex,” where saving a vulnerable being creates an emotional bond and a sense of duty. This makes it very difficult to later let go, even if another option exists.
Fast forward nine months and a friend sent me a Facebook post on a local community page of a woman claiming she was missing her cat. A picture showed a male tuxedo and she even said he loved to give HUGS. I knew it was him because he has a distinct white spot in the middle of his forehead. I was shocked. She said she knew it was a long shot since he went missing in December but she was not aware of the lost pet Facebook page, only the local shelter who was not much help since he never made it there… he made it in my house instead.
This is where cognitive dissonance shows up — two truths collide: the cat belonged to someone else, but he’s also thriving with you. To reduce guilt, the mind leans on rationalization (e.g., she was careless, the cat was in bad condition). This is a normal defense mechanism when people face conflicting moral obligations.
I feel so guilty because she is probably thinking the worst happened to him. I wish I could tell her that he’s safe, but I know if I did she would want him back. My friend thinks giving him back is the right thing to do but he has the best home with me and has bonded with my cat and I. In the ladies post she said her four yr old daughter misses him and that he was their beloved outdoor/indoor cat. I truly feel bad for the owner’s daughter, however the woman does not sound like a good cat owner. It is not legal in our city to let your cats roam and it is extremely dangerous for them. Also, he was in bad condition and not neutered so I think it’s very irresponsible she was letting him outside to reproduce and expand the colony near our homes. He is just so happy with me and I would hate for him to end up missing/dead as a part time outdoor cat. So, am I the asshole for pretending like I never saw the post?
EDIT: a lot of people are wondering why I didn’t make more of an effort to contact the owners. Looking back I probably should have. In addition to the things I’ve already stated, he was infested with fleas, had scratches all over his face and ears, did not understand how to use stairs, and was terrified of my tv. His poor condition, slight under-socialization, and unfamiliarity with common household things led me to believe he did not have owners.
This is a classic values conflict — empathy for the cat’s safety versus social norms of fairness and ownership. Psychologists describe this as moral licensing: when someone believes their “greater good” action (keeping him safe) justifies breaking a rule (not returning him). The guilt shows you recognize both sides, but your reasoning reflects prioritizing the cat’s wellbeing over the owner’s rights.
This is what community had to say:
CamilleYun: oooh… an ADULT male, un-neutered, with tapeworms, missing in December, found and vet treated in December… nuh uh. Do not engage.
eta: NTAMsMeiriona: Illegally free roaming, unaltered and unchipped? Functionality, that cat was abandoned. NTA, obviously
stillrooted: NTA. If he was indoor/outdoor and unaltered he wasn’t their beloved pet, he was their negligently supervised roommate.
Educational-Lime-393: NTA-if they actually loved the cat and had the inclination and capacity to look after him he wouldn’t have been in such a state when you found him.
I-cant-hug-every-cat: NTA. It’s not about them, it’s about the cat and he is better with you. Microchip him
MtnNerd: NTA way too many people think cats just take care of themselves and all you do is feed them. Cats are living beings not just property and they need proper medical care. She didn’t even get him neutered which is so terrible for an outdoor male cat.
TemporarilySkittles: I’ve been in your exact situation… So no I think I’d be keeping my mouth shut. Just be careful he doesn’t sit in the front window where a driver by could see and be like hey that’s my cat. NTA, good job taking care of kitties.
BubbaChanel: NTA. Your “friend” is TA. It’s been NINE MONTHS, and the woman hadn’t done the very least of neutering and chipping this tuxy boy? And keeping him inside? Be ready for your “friend” to not mind her business and rat you out.
XSamHealyX: NTA. Microchip him. She is an irresponsible pet owner.
evergreengoth: NTA. I was a child whose beloved indoor/outdoor cat disappeared… If you give him back, he might not be so lucky next time.
_AYYEEEE: NTA, keep him. Letting your cat simply roam outside, especially un-neutered, is a really bad idea. Keep that cat.
CreamingSleeve: Look, it’s kind of an asshole move to keep the cat and not tell the owner, but I think it’s completely justifiable. Ultimately, NTA. Good on you for the work you’re doing.
Aquatic_Hedgehog: NTA it’s not about you or her or even her daughter. It’s about the cat, and the cat is better off with a non-neglectful owner.
Soumanomiya: If the cat was found by you in the same month he “disappeared”, not neutered, not chipped, and in poor condition… that’s not “their” cat. NTA.
i_killedgod: NTA. it’s irresponsible to let your cats roam ESPECIALLY if they aren’t spayed/neutered.
aescepthicc: NTA, the cat was neglected, you gave him the better home. OP, at this point this is your cat.
Fumbles329: NTA, anybody who has an un-spayed/neutered cat that they allow to free roam is not an actual pet owner, the cat is better off with you.
TrappedInTheSuburbs: The hugging cat had fleas when you found him… That is definitely, positively, 100% not their cat.
Anymorewrongseeds: Years ago I took in a young orange tabby… Never again will I turn over a stray to a questionable home.
MsMrSaturn: NTA. I was in a somewhat similar situation… In terms of letting them know, is there any way you could fake a similar shell game?
No_Yogurt_7294: It sounds like the cat has a better home with you. Maybe at least tell her anonymously that the cat is safe and loved?
Firm-Song-5166: Kitty had worms, fleas, and was scratched up. He was not receiving fundamental care. The little girl will get over it. Your kitty deserves to stay where he is.
Serene_Druchii: If he was being taken care of, it would be an obvious YTA. He wasn’t though, he wasn’t neutered and had untreated worms. NTA, keep your new cat.
fancyjulia9: you’re not the asshole you gave him love safety and care she let him roam sick and unneutered he’s thriving with you, just follow your heart
HazelTheRah: NTA. I felt bad for the original owner until I saw “indoor/outdoor cat.” You’ll put him right back into danger if you give him back.
elvie18: YTA. Of course the cat was in awful shape when he was found, if he was lost from home that long. She deserves to at least know that he’s alive and well.
cdecker0606: Info: Did her post say anything specifically about her purposefully letting the cat out? Timeline matters between losing and finding.
CelestialThestral: NTA. I don’t consider people who own unaltered animals that free-roam “owners.” Especially not ones with untreated injuries and infestations.
mufasamufasamufasa: Do not give this poor excuse for a pet owner that kitty. You paid to have him fixed, which she couldn’t be bothered to do. NTA.
Tamstrong: NTA
Intrepid-Implement59: NTA. We kept a chihuahua that showed up starving… No, they didn’t get him back.
mommer_man: The cat has chosen…. As it should be!! The cats verdict stands. 🤷🏻♀️
1Corgi_2Cats: NTA. A “beloved pet” has at the very least, a collar or microchip. Taking in a stray and providing care makes you the legal owner in most places.
Sharkadactylus: NTA. You saved that cat. Don’t return him. This makes me SO ANGRY… OP, you saved that cat. NTA x 10000000000¹⁰ and that cat chose you.
Source: Reddit