AITA for wanting to kick my roomie/friend out because they’re a drunk/behind on rent?
I (35F) live in NYC with friend/roommate (35M). We’ve lived together for 5 years. I’ve lived in the city since 2019 and he since 2012. We became friends through a mutual friend. We survived Covid together, and had some great times, but lately especially over the last year it’s hard to hold onto those great times.
This opening reflects a strong emotional bond built over shared experiences, particularly during a stressful time like Covid. The gradual recognition that “it’s hard to hold onto those great times” may indicate cognitive dissonance: the narrator values the friendship but is increasingly aware of negative patterns, creating inner conflict.
For context, I didn’t know my friend/roomie had a pretty severe substance use problem prior to moving in. They’re a former drug addict, but supposedly don’t use anymore and it’s mainly drinking. I legitimately thought “well he likes to party” but didn’t think it was as bad as I’ve grown to learn. I won’t go into all of that or even the major ones, but let’s just say it’s landed him in the hospital more than 5 times, and has gotten him kicked out of events and friendships ruined.
We have a number of mutual friends, and most of those friends have avoided him and because closer friends with me. I’m still careful what I say, but most of these friends have seen the behavior and had experiences with him.
The narrator is exhibiting clear awareness of enabling dynamics and boundary challenges. They initially minimized the severity of the substance use, which is common in codependent relationships. The mention of mutual friends distancing themselves highlights social proof that the roommate’s behavior is problematic, potentially reinforcing feelings of isolation, frustration, or responsibility in the narrator.
Ever since I’ve moved to the city, I knew what it would take to live here which means having a good job. I’m blessed to work full time remotely and make decent money with the same company for 5 years. My friend, on the other hand, jumps from job to job. He had one that lasted about 2 years, but didn’t pay well at all. From this job he started to get behind on rent, and then October 2024 they were let go from the job. I was told by my friend that it was because the company was downsizing, but in my heart I knew it was from the drinking and their attitude. Since then he’s again ping-ponged from one job to another, and when he gets fired he has the nerve to ask “why does this keep happening?”
I know there are people who will read this and say things like “I would have left years ago”, “I would have sent him to rehab”, etc. I have tried interventions, I have told him the truth, etc. Here’s where things get complicated as far as the lease. He, his father, and I are all on the lease. His father is aware of how his son acts and what he does as I’ve texted and called him privately. His dad has wanted off the lease for a few years. His dad has a good heart and is very kind, and he is smart enough to know better.
As of right now he’s behind at least $5000. I have been taking care of my half of rent, as any person would, and I’ve been handling bills like electric/gas, WiFi, and other expenses including groceries. I’ve come up with three ultimatums, but the one that should be the only one is that he needs to pay his portion (whether his dad or family pays for it) and he needs to leave and go seek help and I would fill the space with another friend and maybe a third if need be.
As I say all of this, I care about my friend very much, and know that they are capable of doing more, but at this point they don’t feel like a friend anymore when they get so combative and mean-spirited towards me at just about every corner.
This section demonstrates the stress of chronic caregiving and financial responsibility in the context of a toxic relationship. The repeated interventions and unmet expectations suggest frustration, resentment, and the need for boundary enforcement. Psychologically, the narrator is showing signs of assertiveness and self-preservation, indicating awareness that the friendship has become unhealthy. Their feelings of guilt and care coexist with a recognition that continued enabling may be detrimental, highlighting a tension between empathy and self-protection.
What community had to say:
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Discount_Mithral: You can care about someone without enabling them, which is exactly what’s happening if he isn’t being held accountable for his actions and inability to hold a job. NTA. Get in contact with his family, let them know this has come to a head, and make clear he needs serious help.
Wikked_Kitty: You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It sounds like he just isn’t at that point yet. It’s time to cut him out of your life before he drags you down. You have a good heart and loyalty toward him, but at this point, he doesn’t feel like a friend anymore. NTA.
Key-Canary-2513: You are being manipulated by an alcoholic. Definitely NTA. If his dad is on the lease, he should take responsibility for his son’s debt. This behavior isn’t your problem to carry.
BrnEyesInSF: How are you not evicted if he’s $5k behind? Either way, get him out before something really bad happens, like a fire while he’s drunk or the cops finding something illegal. He’s circling the drain, and you are under no obligation to go down with him.
sekaiwazankoku: NTA. You’ve tried helping multiple times. Your roommate might have mental health or dependency issues, but after a certain age, your priority is your own life and healing. This is tough, but necessary.
ScarletNotThatOne: NTA. He needs to pay his rent. Friendship does not cover financial responsibilities.
Suz9006: NTA. People do not change if their needs are being met. By covering his expenses, you aren’t helping him see the consequences of his actions. The way you can help is to stop supporting him financially.
Aletheia-Nyx: NTA. The alcohol isn’t the only issue—it’s his attitude and inability to fulfill responsibilities. If he were a nice person and able to hold a job, the drinking wouldn’t be a problem.
slap-a-frap: NTA. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Start prioritizing your wellbeing. He needs help you aren’t responsible for providing. Draw the line: he needs to move out.
NSightMSG: Wanting him to leave? NTA. Asking him to pay his portion and seek help while you fill the space? YWNBTA. Talk to the landlord and his dad. Be firm but respectful—he has had enough time to take responsibility.
Intelligent_Trade663: Try attending an ALANON meeting. It’s for family and friends affected by alcoholics. It can help you learn how to deal with his behavior without enabling him.
Fiempre-sin-tabla: NTA. Addiction is awful, but you have to protect yourself. Addict + debt = he will drag you down if you don’t set boundaries. Cut ties before it gets worse.
Interesting-Tip-9475: NTA. You care about your friend, but he needs to pay the balance. Friendship doesn’t excuse neglecting agreements.
Nice-Bad-930: You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help and it doesn’t seem like they do. Give the ultimatum: pay up or leave. Put your own wellbeing first.
Legitimate_Ad_2203: You are being manipulated by an alcoholic
Comfortable-Job-5549: Most alcoholics and addicts are very manipulative. You have tried to help them and at this moment it seems like you will not win that battle. People like this need professional help, so don’t beat yourself up for that because it’s a battle you won’t win. At the end of the day, you can only help those who want to be helped. NTA.
Interesting-Tip-9475: I agree. It’s either he pays off the balance, or he leaves. Friends or not, an agreement should be respected. Pay or leave, simple. I won’t be surprised if he has money for alcohol but can’t pay rent.
Source: Reddit