AITA for continuously asking my in laws about their tradition of women eating after men?
Am not a native English speaker, so sorry for any mistakes.
When I (F) first met my husband’s family, I noticed they had a tradition where all the females (it’s a huge family living together) would cook the food together and the men would eat first after which the women would eat. I didn’t initially comment on it, not wanting to get into a conflict with people I didn’t know too well.
The narrator’s silence at the beginning reflects a common social survival tactic: choosing harmony over confrontation. In family systems, especially with deep-rooted traditions, newcomers often feel pressure to conform, even at the expense of their own comfort.
As years passed though, I got more annoyed with this tradition. For one thing, the food would be cold by the time I (and other women) begin to eat. We also usually visited during holidays and festivals, and a lot of expensive delicacies that is not normally prepared otherwise is made then, and I don’t always get any because there might not be leftovers. Not to mention, I help cook, so it seems absurd to me that I have to wait hungry while others are done. None of the other women seem to mind this.
What frustrates the OP is not only the practical unfairness (cold food, missed meals), but also the symbolic inequality. The fact that other women accept it creates a sense of isolation, as nonconformity can feel like betrayal in group dynamics.
A few months back, before eating, we were all in the living room and I thought I would ask them about this.
Me: Can we all eat at the same time?
FIL: No. This is an old tradition in our family because men would be really hungry after coming back from work.
Me: Most of the women work nowadays though.
FIL: It seems really wrong to suddenly stop something we have been doing for so long now.
This continues on for a while – FIL insisting it’s a tradition and shouldn’t be broken and me saying it’s sexist. Nothing changed, men ate first like usual, and I dropped it.
This exchange highlights intergenerational conflict. The father-in-law appeals to tradition as identity, while the OP appeals to fairness and modern values. When these two frameworks clash, resolution becomes difficult because it’s not just about food — it’s about identity, respect, and control.
However I had several of my husband’s relatives come up to me and say that I am an asshole for questioning their traditions, and that I don’t stay with them and asking this makes me an asshole. A lot of the women also think I am an asshole because they think I made a big fuss about nothing.
AITA?
Check out how the community responded:
Dizzy_Business — NTA This is a dumb tradition. It’s just a sexist control thing, and you are right for calling them out. How is your husband handling this, though? He would also be TA if he’s fine with this. He should be the one calling out his family with you.
IllustriousPickle20 (OP)— He’s not really saying anything, he refuses to be a part of this.
TheBaz11 — My father grew up in the deep south, and similar traditions were in place there. He tried to keep my mother away from that side of things as much as possible, but eventually Thanksgiving happened and they had to go. They tried to make my mom sit outside and wait to eat with the other women. My dad fixed a big plate, went outside himself and ate with her. He got a ton of flak for it.
Super proud of that man.
[The Big Man does not have a reddit account, so I will accept this Gold on his behalf and let him know internet strangers value how much he loves his wife <3 ]
Seeker131313 — Especially if OP plans on having kids with this man, she should absolutely stop going, rather than have children witness this asshattery and think it’s ok just because tradition
about97cats — Oh, she’d be doing her children a huge disservice to raise them in an environment where boys and girls alike are lead to believe males are entitled to preferential treatment simply for being born male. Being male isn’t a commendable accomplishment, and being female shouldn’t place you squarely in the second class.
atomskeater — Yep, sounds like a great idea to skip the in-laws house for holidays and go to OP’s family, or a friend’s gathering, or do their own little thing alone at home. “It’s from when the men would come home hungry from work” yeah well everyone’s working now so everyone should eat when the food is ready. Such a dumb tradition, the people who do the cooking get cold food or don’t even get to eat every dish if it runs out. Ridiculous.
Source: Reddit
NTA. This isn’t a “tradition,” it’s just sexism with extra steps. Traditions that actively disadvantage half the family aren’t worth keeping.
Honestly, the fact that the women who cook don’t even get guaranteed food is insane. You’re literally putting in the labor and being treated as second class.
NTA. The “it’s tradition” excuse is just a lazy way to avoid change. By that logic, we’d still be riding horses to work and banning women from voting.
Your FIL basically said “men are hungry so women should starve.” In what world does that make sense? NTA.
NTA. Why would you eat cold food? Are you a slave? Your husband must stand up for you.
If your husband isn’t backing you, that’s worrying. These things only change when men in the family stand up too. Right now, he’s letting you fight this alone.
The irony is wild: they justify this with “men worked hard” while ignoring that the women worked to cook all day. But sure, let’s let the chefs eat scraps.