AITA for refusing to help my colleague even though I know why he asks?

I (M, 30s) work in a mid-sized company where I share responsibilities with another colleague (M, late 30s). On paper, we’re equals: same title, same role, same client-facing duties. For years, I assumed we were on roughly the same level in every way, including pay.

Then a few months ago, I stumbled across something I wasn’t supposed to see. HR had left a spreadsheet open during a training session, and I caught a glimpse of salaries. I shouldn’t have looked, but once my eyes landed, I couldn’t unsee it.

That’s when I found out my colleague makes nearly double what I make. Not a small bump, not a slight difference — double.

I sat there in shock. I’ve been at this company for years. My performance reviews are glowing. Clients ask for me by name. I take on projects proactively, and I’ve even trained newer hires. Meanwhile, this colleague of mine? He attends the same meetings I do, writes the same reports, delivers the same presentations — but apparently with a much fatter paycheck attached.

The discovery hit me like a punch in the gut. I went through all the emotions: disbelief, anger, self-doubt, then anger again. I kept asking myself: Why him? Why not me?

It got worse when I thought about our daily dynamic. See, he often asks me to cover for him in client meetings, especially in the afternoons. The reason is simple: he has a young daughter, and he needs to pick her up from school. I don’t have kids, so on the surface, it makes sense. Parenting is demanding, schedules are tight, and I understand why he leans on me.

In the past, I always said yes. I figured it was teamwork. We cover for each other, right? But after finding out about the pay gap, everything changed in my head. Each time he asked, this bitterness bubbled up inside me. Why should I be doing him favors when he’s already being rewarded so much more for the same job?

So lately, I’ve stopped helping. Whenever he asks, I just say, “Sorry, I’m busy.” Sometimes I really am — but sometimes I’m not. I just don’t want to do it anymore. It feels unfair.

Part of me knows this isn’t his fault. He didn’t set his salary. He didn’t twist HR’s arm. He just negotiated better, or got lucky, or maybe they value him differently for reasons I don’t know. But even though logically I know this, emotionally I can’t get past it.

My partner says I’m being childish, that if I’m upset about pay, I should take it up with management instead of silently punishing my colleague. They think I’m letting resentment dictate my behavior, and in a way, they’re probably right. But the thought of continuing to help him while swallowing the fact that he’s compensated double for the same output makes me feel like a doormat.

And honestly? I feel like he senses something is off. The other day, when I declined to cover a meeting, he gave me this puzzled look, almost like he didn’t understand why I’d suddenly become less cooperative. I felt guilty… but also oddly satisfied.

“This is what psychologists call a displacement problem. Instead of confronting the real source of injustice (management, HR, structural inequality), OP redirects frustration onto a safer, closer target: the colleague. The colleague becomes a stand-in for the unfair system. While this provides short-term relief, it damages peer relationships and leaves the true issue unresolved.”

When I read that concept later in an article, it hit me hard. Because yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m mad at the system, but instead of challenging it directly, I’m taking it out on the guy next to me.

Still, I can’t shake the bitterness. Every time he asks me to help, it feels like insult piled onto injury. Why should I sacrifice my time and energy to support someone who already gets compensated far better than me? If he’s being paid that much more, shouldn’t he be carrying me sometimes, not the other way around?

I’ve thought about confronting him, but how would that even sound? “Hey, I know your salary, and now I resent you”? That’s not a conversation I want to have. It would blow up trust instantly, and honestly, it’s not his responsibility to fix what the company did.

The rational part of me knows the “adult” move would be to take this to management. To ask for a raise, to point out my contributions, to advocate for myself. But I’m also scared. What if they say no? What if they don’t value me as much as I think? At least right now, the resentment is mine to hold. If I ask and get rejected, it’ll be confirmed.

So here I am: stuck in this loop where I don’t want to help my colleague anymore, but I also know it’s not fair to punish him for something he didn’t cause.

Am I the asshole for refusing to help my colleague, even though I know why he asks and that technically, it isn’t his fault?