I (F40) grew up in a family where parenting was extremely strict: “you can’t do that,” “that’s not nice,” “you should be ashamed.” I was basically raised to stay quiet, never argue, and accept things even when they hurt me.
When I first met my father-in-law, he seemed like the calmest person on earth. You’d only hear his voice when he said “hello.” I used to tell everyone how kind and composed my husband’s parents were, and I was genuinely happy thinking we’d have a close relationship.
Everything changed after our child was born. Suddenly, my father-in-law transformed. For someone like me — very sensitive and emotional — the change was shocking. He wanted to know everything about the baby: what he ate, how he slept, for how long. The advice was constant and unsolicited: “You have to give him this,” “You must put him to sleep this way,” “Don’t let him fall asleep like that, it’ll ruin his schedule,” “Don’t hold him too much or he’ll get used to it.”
For someone raised to fear authority and avoid confrontation, dealing with an overbearing figure after childbirth reactivates old patterns of submission and guilt. I didn’t know how to set boundaries without feeling like a bad person — which only made the stress worse during an already fragile postpartum period.
At first, I was too ashamed to tell him to stop. I grew up believing it was “disrespectful” to correct an elder, especially a “father figure.” My husband didn’t seem bothered, since he wasn’t the one being targeted — all the pressure fell on me.
The 50 km distance between our towns didn’t help. My father-in-law would often just show up unannounced, saying he came to “see the baby.” If I told him it was nap time, he’d cheerfully reply, “Oh, the baby can make an exception since I’m here.” He always had a response and never took no for an answer.
My stress levels skyrocketed. I was a new mom recovering from a C-section, struggling with breastfeeding and sleepless nights. In the middle of all that chaos, I had a “father-in-law acting like a mother-in-law” constantly telling me I was doing things wrong, that he knew better because he’d raised kids before. Every time the phone rang, my heart would start pounding — I just knew another “advice session” was coming.
Eventually, my body started to react. I developed stomach pains, high blood pressure, panic attacks. I couldn’t enjoy anything anymore. I felt constantly judged and watched.
Somatization is the process where psychological stress turns into physical symptoms. The panic, the stomach pain, the tension — all signs that my emotional boundaries were being crossed. The lack of real support from my husband deepened my sense of isolation and invalidation.
Gradually, I began to pull away. I stopped visiting, turned off my phone, and started protecting myself. Naturally, the relationship deteriorated. That was never my goal — I truly wanted us to be close, to have a warm, extended family connection. I’m a sociable person, and family matters to me. But I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Since then, my life has improved tremendously. I feel calmer, more focused on myself, my child, and my husband. And yet… a part of me still wonders if I was wrong. If maybe I was selfish. If I should have been more tolerant.
That guilt is typical for people raised under “don’t argue, don’t upset anyone” rules. But in reality, my withdrawal wasn’t an act of selfishness — it was an act of self-preservation. The guilt just shows the inner conflict between loyalty to family and the legitimate need to protect your own mental space.
So, am I wrong for distancing myself from my father-in-law after being smothered with advice, unannounced visits, and control?
Or did I do what was necessary to protect my mental health and my baby?