AITA for going to a wedding that my ex is going to be at?
My ex and I broke up over a year ago but we dated for 5 years. I have them blocked on everything.
This demonstrates clear boundary-setting. Blocking your ex across communication channels indicates an effort to protect your emotional wellbeing and maintain autonomy after a long-term relationship.
My new partner is upset because I got invited to a wedding that my ex is going to also be at. They are upset that my ex is “involved” in my life but unfortunately we had a lot of the same friends when we were dating.
This reflects a common source of relational tension: overlapping social networks post-breakup. The new partner’s discomfort likely stems from insecurity or perceived competition, while you are experiencing a situational conflict between past and present social obligations.
Am I the asshole for saying I wouldn’t go to the wedding to appease my new partner then going back on it because I don’t want to miss this once in a lifetime event. I also don’t see the couple nearly as much anymore since we live in different states.
Here, cognitive dissonance is apparent: OP initially prioritized the partner’s feelings but later prioritized personal fulfillment. This is a natural psychological process when values conflict. The fact that OP rarely interacts with the couple further reduces any practical risk of emotional entanglement, highlighting that the tension is largely about perceived threats rather than real ones.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I changed my mind about going to the wedding 2) It might make me the asshole because i’m going back on my word and making my new partner uncomfortable
Here is what community had to say:
GOPsucksAss: NTA. Your new partner sounds very controlling. You might want to think about that.
CarmasABitch07: NTA. It’s not as if you’re going to the wedding with your ex or to see your ex. You’re going for your friends. How long have you been with your partner? It comes across as immature and/or insecure to me.
lunazane26: NTA, but your new partner is for trying to control you. They can have feelings about it and you can have discussions about it but they ultimately do not have control over you or what you choose to do.
IllustriousBowler259: NTA. You’re not going somewhere to meet your ex, you’re going to a wedding to be with friends. Yes, I know you first said you wouldn’t go, but that was to appease your new partner’s insecurity. After you thought it over, you realised that you’d spoken too quickly and changed your mind. There is nothing wrong with thinking things over and admitting that you’d made a decision you regret and wish to amend. This new partner may be too insecure to move forward with. But you should never make yourself smaller to appease a jealous controller. If you aren’t trusted, how much of a relationship can it be?
Casual_Lore: NTA. You already said you won’t go, so you should have a conversation about it with your partner. At the end of the day though, I would never allow another person to control my friendships. I am actively friends with exes and am simply not compatible with a person who would have a problem with that. You get to decide how, and with whom, you want to live your life. You don’t even speak to your ex, but because he’ll physically present you can’t go???? That level of insecurity and jealousy is gross and absurd. “X the wedding is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I want to be there for my friends. I know I told you I wouldn’t go, but I’ve decided this really matters to me. What do you think?” If he can’t handle even that, you have to decide if that’s the kind of person you want to spend your life with.
PeachBanana8: YWBTA if you give in and let your new partner start dictating who you can and can’t see. They need to grow up. You’re supposed to cut off every single mutual friend you ever shared with your ex?
SunsetSeaTurtle: NTA… Partner sounds… controlling.
sublime_369: NTA, You can’t live your life around avoiding an ex that runs in the same circles.
TresWhat: NTA but come clean to your partner that you thought more about it and you really want to go to your friends’ wedding regardless of whether ex is there or not. Then have a chat with partner about why he feels threatened by this. To me this controlling and insecure mindset would be worth breaking up over but do what feels right for you and your values.
sweadle: NTA. What does your boyfriend think will happen? Does he think you’ll sleep together if you see each other? If that’s the case, he doesn’t trust you at all. I went to a wedding with my partner a few years ago, and THREE of their exes were there. They have a long standing friend group. I am glad they have such lifelong friends, and a breakup within the group doesn’t mean no one stays friends.
Ok-Huckleberry-4526: All the downvotes to the NTA answers indicate to me that the new partner wrote this. NTA I HOPE THEY LEAVE EACHOTHER SO INSECURE
IncidentProud8807: NTA, your partner has to trust you. I’d feel uncomfortable too if my boyfriend was going to see his ex-girlfriend at a function. But, they’re exes for a reason and if you trust them it shouldn’t be a big issue. Maybe you guys have to talk it through more.
CyberTractor: NTA. Your partner needs to figure out why they’re jealous and work through it. Unless you’ve cheated or are leaving out key details, interacting with an ex in group settings is a normal event for most people.
Lyndawithay1: NTA unless you start letting your insecure bf dictate who you can and cannot hang out with.
TheVue221: NTA. Breaking up with someone doesn’t mean they cease to exist in the world. If you two wanted to be together, you would be. So he needs to deal with the insecurity, not you that would have to stop being there for your friends.
hadMcDofordinner: NTA. Do go. Your current bf can just deal with it. It’s not like you should always avoid people from your past, that would be ridiculous.
1962Michael
NTA.
Yes, you’re going back on your “word” but your partner should not have pressured you into agreeing not to go. I imagine it was something like “well if it upsets you that much I won’t go!” but you hoped he would backtrack and he didn’t.
This is real life. People have exes that share friends, and those friends have weddings and other gatherings. I’m assuming that you didn’t get a “+1” for your new partner, otherwise they could come along and supervise.
It would be better if you hadn’t said you wouldn’t go. But if you plan to go, you do need to acknowledge that you are going back on your word. “Yes, I said I wouldn’t go, because you were pressuring me to say that. Having thought more about it, I want to see my friends get married. My ex might be there, but if you don’t trust me to be faithful to you, we have a bigger problem than this wedding.”Intelcourier
Your new partner is TA. His insecurities are giant red flags. This could easily lead to controlling if he doesn’t want you to go certain places if certain people may attend.
How old are you guys? This sounds like teenage angst.OhmsWay-71
NTA. You have a partner, not an owner.
You and your ex being at the same event where there are tons of people you both know is not something that your current should be jealous of. This is just life.
I would state something like…
“Listen, I am going to a wedding of someone I love and care about and I am going to see people that were involved in my life while I was with my ex. It has nothing to do with my ex. We spent 5 years together, which was more than enough time for me to figure out that we should not be together. Even if I did not have you, there is zero chance of any re-connection. I’m not going to dinner with my ex, it is a huge event where we can literally not even speak and no one would even notice. I am not sure why you would be feeling insecure about it because it is always my choice who I am with, and I have chosen you, but regardless, it is something that you have to deal with. If you don’t trust me, then you need to think about if you want to be with me or not. I need to trust who I am with and they feel the same. You need to feel to the core that there is no one else that could even get my attention for a second because I have and want you. You either feel the same or you don’t, and then that is something you need to think about.Regular_Western_9683
NTA – Your partner is TA. You have the right to change your mind. However, don’t do that often. Think about it first and then make your decision and stand on it.
Your partner saying “still involved” blah blah blah is being manipulative with that wording. Walking on eggshells and avoiding real friends and lifetime events is not okay to appease a partner. Your true partner would NEVER want you to miss that… this also seems like your partner is insecure.
Do they have friends?CSILalaAnn
NTA for going to the wedding, as it is a once in a lifetime event. YTA if you lie to your current partner. Just tell them the truth, that you plan to attend the wedding, have no plans to have contact with your ex while there and then go home. If current partner can’t deal with that, then he’s not the one. This happens when you have mutual friends with your ex.MrsMorley
NTA
Your partner is acting oddly.
As described, you’re going to a friend’s wedding.Ok_Objective8366
Go to the wedding
Your ex is not involved in your life but with people in the group. Your bf can deal with it nor not but don’t miss things due to your bfFairyCompetent
NTA. People we used to date don’t disappear, and sometimes they are in the same building as we are. Your new partner sounds immature.Confident_Set4216
NTA. You guys broke up a year ago and you have him blocked on everything and have not talked to him at all. What about any of that makes your new controlling bf thinks that’s “too involved”?No-Assignment5538
Yes. NTA (edit to change as I misread if OP was attending). You would be an AH to yourself if you were letting your new BFs insecurities and jealousy and control issues dictate who you will associate with and what events you will attend. You broke up with the ex, that doesn’t obligate you to cut everyone else who shares some kind of relationship with that person out of your life (their family members, mutual friends) nor is it reasonable to ask you to skip events like weddings, baby showers, engagement parties, birthday, friend gatherings, because he might be there. If you don’t want to attend things because you don’t want to, that is fine. The second someone tells you you can’t because they don’t like that your ex might be there, that is time to add another tick to the ex BF tally and go find a man rather than an insecure controlling boyZookeepergameOk1833
NTA, but your partner seems insecure.Any_Friendship9364
How childishAggressive_End5788
Sometimes an ex is just gonna be around sometimes. Mature adults can find a way to deal.
(Obv the equation is different in abusive situations, etc.)robtonka99
How old are you? 13? The notion that adults can’t even attend an event because their ex will be there is some severely stunted maturity. Does your bf think that all the friends are supposed to choose sides every time a couple breaks up and just ex-communicate the other side?Outrageous-Arm1945
YTA for trying to appease your new partner like this. Lives are not simple, and black and white. They are complicated, and intertwinedAnimalMeow1
YTA for appeasing your current partner with this offer not to attend your friends’ wedding. YWBTA for going back on your word. NTA for wanting to go to a wedding your ex will be in attendance to. You’ve dug yourself quite the hole. Talk to your partner, and I hope you will attend!LunnaPinky
Nah you’re not the asshole here. A wedding is about celebrating your friends, not your ex. It’s totally normal for social circles to overlap after a long relationship, and it doesn’t mean you’re involved with your ex. Your new partner’s feelings are understandable but asking you to miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime event is kinda unfair. As long as you keep it respectful and set boundaries, you’re good. NTA.baras021
NTA. You already blocked your ex, and that was five years ago. Does your partner not realize that you both have the same circle of friends? Why is he so insecure about you having common friends? I don’t see any issue if my partner interacts with their ex, whether it’s been a long time or if it’s just casual. However, you’re creating a problem by lying just to appease your partner. You should take him with you if you really don’t want to miss your friend’s wedding. But I can see that your partner is very controlling and insecure.
SamSpayedPI
NTA—as long as you come clean to your current partner right away that you changed your mind and decided to attend the wedding after all.
Just because you break up with one person doesn’t mean you should have to break up with your entire friends group. It’s unfair of your current partner to expect that.Mediocre-Studio2573
She just raised the first big red flag.Reasonable-Ad-3605
Info: why’d you block your ex?queenofthequeens
Are you planning to hook up with your ex at this wedding? No? Then NTA. That’s controlling behavior. Dump the new gf honestly, it’s not okay for a partner to restrict where you’re allowed to go.Suitable_cataclysm
NTA I hope your new partner is your ex also very soon. That’s a huge controlling red flag.MainEgg320
NTA. Your new partner has control issues and is clearly very insecure. If you know you’ll resent him if you miss the event then I would still go. If your partner gives you an ultimatum I would rethink the relationship altogether.seoul_gloe
Tell your new man to kick rocksJerseygirl2468
NTA your new partner sounds pretty controlling.MerelyWhelmed1
NTA. It is possible to interact with an ex, and have it not mean anything. It’s a social event with other people there, and you’re going for the bride and groom, not the ex.Beruthiel999
NTA
It’s very common and normal to have exes that are part of the same extended friends group, mutual friends, etc. You’re going to run into each other at social occasions and it’s fine, it’s just part of life. The expectation is that mature adults can keep it civil, which I’m sure you can. (Your partner, I’m not so sure about).
Think about it from the point of view of your friends – they want you there for their special day. It’s not really about you and it’s CERTAINLY not about your controlling partner who you’ve only been with a relatively short time. How do you think they’ll feel when you tell them you can’t go because you need to ask permission and didn’t get it?
The only mistake you made was agreeing not to go in the first place. Changing your mind and going is the right decision, I think, and you should have stood firm on that from the beginning. But it is what it is. You should to go the wedding. And think very carefully about which demands and “rules” you’re going to agree to. Controlling people usually escalate when they get their way early on.Independent_Prior612
It sounds like your current partner has trust and jealousy issues.
As long as everyone is capable of adulting and the wedding day stays about the marrying couple instead of devolving into The OP And Their Ex Show, I see no reason you shouldn’t go.
NTA.21crepes
NTA. It’s a huge red flag that your partner is so jealous and insecure. I think you would be TA if you allowed this person to keep you from attending the wedding of an old friend(s).RandomRedditor0815
NTA, first off you aren’t “involved with your ex” because you attend an event with 100 people together. Second, what does your partner think will happen? You clearly don’t like her if she is blocked everywhere.
Your new partner needs to calm down or this won’t have a future.DebtMindless6356
NTA, but you were for even considering not going. Are you supposed to cut out every mutual friend because your gf is insecure. Being at the same friends wedding that your ex is is hardly being “involved” in your life.
Your dating this girl for roughly a year, give or take. She wants you to ditch a friends wedding because she’s jealous. What next, move town, city, state or planet? Because while you live near your ex she’ll be “involved” in your lifegorwraith
Nta. You are going to your friends weddin, not to see your ex. If you don’t go to this weeding you may just be letterhead ex keep all the friends in the breakup.
Ill be honest that if you didn’t come to my wedding because someone you have known less than a year told you not to, I would assume you didn’t want to be my friend. There are valid reasons for not going, but this is Not one of them.pottersquash
YTA Whatever you decide, and you can decide whatever, you got to stick to it. Its the waffling that makes you an asshole, not the decision.Sea_Register1095
There’s a reason he is your ex and you boyfriend is your boyfriend. I get that he feels nervous about you going to the wedding alone (no plus 1 invite?), given all the stories about people getting drunk at weddings and hooking up. But again, there is a reason he’s your ex and you are with your boyfriend. Remind him of those reasons.Kami_Sang
YTA for saying you won’t go and then changing that.
I have no issue with you going to wedding, My issue is your communication and trustworthiness. Think before you talk.Candid-Narwhal-3215
Or think about it less and just tell them to get wrecked. OP broke up with their ex, not their friends. OP should go and have a great time!OkLiving3740
We’ve been together for like 7 monthsRegular_Western_9683
Agreed. That’s a weird and large ask.ParticularTheory846
I’d downvote too because the question is if OP is TA for lying to their partner that they won’t go and then turn around and go after all. That’s really poor communication and also literal lying so OP is TA.
People on here just like to yell insecure and controlling at anyone and ignore everything else. Sometimes I think you can even murder someone and people will ignore it because the other person seems insecure to them and that’s apparently the bigger crime.
OP should tell their partner the truth and have a conversation about the ex and the nature of their relationship etc. It’s pretty normal to be insecure and unsure after only 7 months when an ex of several years is still in your partner‘s life. Appeasing the partner by lying won’t make them feel more secure – rather the opposite, it’ll just break their trust. OP should also make it clear that the wedding is important to them and they won’t miss it because of their partner‘s insecurity because it’s not about the ex. All OP said was their partner is upset about it, not that the partner is making any sort of demand. And yet everyone is accusing the partner of being controlling.No-Assignment5538
Changing your mind isn’t lying. OP is allowed to have a moment where their good sense wasn’t working and go ‘ya. I’ll skip this because you don’t like that my ex will be there’ and then come to her senses and be ‘No, actually, you don’t get to control what I do, I am going to this wedding”OkLiving3740 OP
They are not going with me lolkikazztknmz
It actually says they were together 5 years, only broke up a little over a year ago. But I agree with the rest of it. Shit, my partner and I used to occasionally hang out with his ex, she is a total sweetheart and was happy he found someone who makes him happy, so we got along great. Some people can’t do that though.CarmasABitch07
Oh yikes. The relationship is wayyyyy too young for them to be making demands of you like that.
It comes across as a precursor for more control over you. You deserve respect and trust and this relationship doesn’t read like it gives you much of either.
Edited: pronounsUnlikely-Candle7086
Please go to the wedding and dump the boy. You don’t go he will run with it and attempt to control more and more.ProbablyGoog
Oh, dude. Definitely NTA!Gryffindor123
Okay. You’re ready to put good friends aside for a 7 month old relationship? That’s not even the length of a pregnancy.
It’s controlling as hell that they asked you to do it and it’s a sign that their control will get worse over time. End the relationship and go to the wedding.Silvanus350
Why do you assume the partner is a man…?
There is literally nothing in the OP or the OP’s history to suggest this.Silvanus350
Why do you assume the partner is a man…?
There is literally nothing in the OP or the OP’s history to suggest this.No-Assignment5538
Changing your mind isn’t lying. Realizing it wasn’t OK for the BF to expect her to “appease him” by declining the invite and deciding to go to the wedding isn’t lyingCarmasABitch07
You’re right it was an oversight and I’ve corrected it accordingly. I am used to reading hetero relationship posts (mostly written by women) and should not have assumed given there is no context. My mistake.Reasonable-Ad-3605
Even if they’re heterosexual there’s nothing to indicate the gender of OP or their Partner.
Source: Reddit